For love or money
by Kirsti-Lee
Summary: A dark secret haunts Remus, but if he allows it to control his entire life, can he ever find true happiness?
1. Chapter 1

"For Love Or Money"

Remus stared at the familiar surroundings with an odd sense of grief. It was here that he had spent seven glorious years of his life. It had been the first time in his entire life, before or since, that he had known true friendship. First in his group of friends had been James Potter, a lanky boy, easy to smile and easier to laugh. Also, there was Sirius Black, mischievous and yet malicious- perhaps due to his upbringing. Finally there had been Peter Pettigrew, a shy, retiring type with mediocre magic and people skills. Together they had been the Marauders; now two were dead, one escaped from prison and the last a dirty ragamuffin barely surviving on minimum pay. The Hogwarts of his childhood was no more; instead it held the dreams and lives a few hundred new students, each intent to never make the mistakes of the previous generation. It was better if he never thought of his happy moments at Hogwarts again; he was here to teach, nothing more.

"Feeling sentimental, Lupin," a voice growled to his left.

Severus Snape stood next to him, usual sneer on his face.

"A little," Remus replied honestly, turning to look at his former classmate.

He smiled mildly at the ferocious-looking man beside him, which only seemed to enrage him more. Severus looked as if he had swallowed something poisonous before he replied.

"The Headmaster asked me to escort you to your rooms and give you your password. Normally Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers have the rooms behind the defense classroom, but due to your 'problem' you've been given rooms on the third floor, away from any mishaps,"

He swept off to lead Remus to his rooms, robes billowing him in a way Remus assumed was intended to inspire fear. To him however it just appeared comical; anyone who had known Severus at Hogwarts with his bat-like clothes would feel the same. He had been a reserved, continually upset boy, earning him the nickname 'Snivellus' within days of starting school. The subject of Remus' thoughts was storming ahead, not bothering to see if Remus was following or not. Despite the obvious snub Severus was giving him, Remus was glad he had been given rooms so far away from the students. He never intended the students to know of his condition, although the staff already had been informed. Worse was the thought that he might accidentally infect someone else with his disease; he would never be able to forgive himself if that occurred. With a jolt he realized that the person he had come closest to biting was striding in front of him, back tense. That man would never forgive him either.

They reached a portrait of a silver wolf after a few minutes, and Remus scowled at the reference. He was even less impressed when Severus gleefully announced the password.

"The password is lycanthrope," As the portrait slid open in recognition.

"Thank you, Severus. I am sure it will prove most comfortable, and I must thank you for your hospitality in showing me the way," Remus replied, allowing none of his disgust to register on his agreeable face.

"I will thank you to refer to me as Professor Snape in future, as befits my rank," Severus snapped, at a loss to the werewolf's lack of emotion.

Wearily Remus nodded. It was easier to put up a front of hatred than forgive, he knew. He had never participated in the pranks and bullying that James and Sirius inflicted on the unfortunate Snape, and he was still treated like a criminal. With everything they had experienced since graduating, it was apparently a little too much to expect civil treatment. Severus sent him a final glance of pure loathing and began walking away, robes flaring dramatically. It was all a show, but a well rehearsed one.

His rooms were quite comfortable and homely. He had never owned a house, nor furniture, and sleeping in a real bed was a luxury. Since leaving Hogwarts he had been on the move constantly, and he could neither afford nor use such things in his hidden life. All of his meager possessions were contained in a single briefcase, and there had been times in his life were even this had seemed too much. Almost lovingly he unpacked each item; a change of clothes, a shabby, well-worn photo album and a few odds and ends. They were all he had left now, along with memories. With a frustrated groan he hastily put everything away. He must have been mad to accept this job; he should have known this would happen. Trembling, Remus picked up the album, allowing it to fall open. Four grinning boys stared up at him, Sirius shoving his way to the front of the group and pulling faces. James was laughing at him, Peter grinning foolishly. Remus himself was smiling, but not with the same enthusiasm as the others; it had been close to a full moon.

He closed the book, sorrow etched on his features. He should think with happiness of his past life, not sadness, but it was difficult. They had all been so happy, and now everything seemed lost. He should be glad; here he was with his first Magical job in years and he had a guarantee of somewhere to live despite his illness. Still, it was with a heavy heart that he lay down that night and he did not sleep for hours thereafter.

Another man lay sleepless that night, as the ghosts of the past haunted him. Just seeing that bloody werewolf standing within Hogwarts a flood of half-forgotten memories and well remembered hatred. True, Remus Lupin had never hurt him the way the others had, at least not intentionally. Perhaps that was why the pain always seemed so much worse when he saw him. Remus never realized the effect his gray eyes had had on Severus, even as a teenager. That Severus' sexual awakenings had been filled with images of his calm face and lean body. But then, Severus had never told anyone how he felt. Perhaps if he had it would have been a mere trifle and easily forgotten. As it was, Remus had never really left his subconscious, and seeing him tonight only reinforced his attractiveness. Seeing the man looking so shabby and woebegone however had been a shock. His robes had been well worn and patched, hair slick and unwashed. Remus had never had the best of clothes, but he always presented himself tidily. It was his eyes that had changed most however. There had always been a hint of sadness, a tinge of tiredness. Now his eyes were like great gaping holes, like they had seen so much pain as to be overwhelmed. What had once held innocence and seemed so pure had been broken. What had happened to cause so much pain in thirteen years? The last he had seen of Remus was during the Potters funeral, and there had been a quiet desperation in his eyes then. Severus shut his mind against such thoughts; he wanted pure Remus, sweet, young Remus. It was with these happy thoughts that brought him first pleasure, and then sleep.

He awoke in darkness, briefly forgetting where he was. Surrounded by softness was an unfamiliar feeling; it had been a long time since he had slept in a bed after all. He rolled out of the comfort with a soft moan; why he could not wake at a decent hour he did not know. At least he had an excuse; today the Hogwarts Express would be arriving, and with it, Harry Potter. Albus had asked him, as Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, to catch the train along with them and monitor the dementor's behavior. He feared some students would have an adverse reaction to their presence. So the night before, he had packed his beloved briefcase with chocolate, hoping he would not have cause to use it. It was an excellent remedy against the after effects of getting too close to a dementor. He himself might need some; today he would meet Harry Potter for the first time, and a dementor could easily prey on his weakness. It was not something he was looking forward to, strangely. It was said that Harry was practically identical to James, and this could prove too much. He glanced around his room one last time before he shut the portrait. He was off to catch the train.


	2. Chapter 2

Apprehensively, Remus looked around the busy platform. Students dashed past, or stood in groups talking about their holidays, but he could not see Harry anywhere. Perhaps he would not see him until classes began, and he could blend into his classmates a little. At least that was the hope. His heart sank the next second however; clearly standing out from a sea of redheads came an all too familiar sight. Harry was laughing and talking to one of the boys and a bushy haired girl, completely at ease. Remus leapt onto the train and into the first empty compartment he could find, heart pounding wildly. It was true; Harry did look exactly like his father. Quickly Remus stowed his suitcase and sat down, trying to appear calmer than he felt. Just as he closed his eyes to calm himself, he heard voices outside the compartment.

"Hey Harry, everywhere else is full, but there is only one person in this one…hope he doesn't mind sharing. Come on," a girl's voice was saying.

Frozen in shock for a brief second, Remus did the only thing he could under the circumstances; feign sleep.

'Stupid! Stupid!' Remus thought berating himself, but it was too late to try any other tactic.

"Who's that, d'yer reckon?" A boy's voice asked.

"Professor R.J Lupin," the girl answered stiffly.

"Blimey, do you know everything?" the boy replied incredulously.

'It's written on his suitcase, Ronald," she sounded amused, and another boy laughed.

The sound, rich and full, seemed like an echo through time. It was not that long ago that James had laughed like that, at Peter. He listened to their innocent conversion, wincing when Harry mentioned that he thought Sirius Black was after him. As far as he knew, no one had ever told Harry that Sirius Black was his godfather and parent's trusted friend. He had no idea what had caused his parents to be targeted by Voldemort. It was not Remus' place to tell him either; Harry could be content without that knowledge. Even if it ever came to that, someone close to Harry could tell him; his Aunt or Dumbledore perhaps. He had no part in Harry's life, and that was from choice rather than orders. Since the day the Potters died, he had been haunted with guilt.

As the day wore on, Remus found it harder and harder to merely feign sleep; he was tired from his lack of sleep the night before. He did not realize when his sham became reality and he fell asleep.

He awoke terrified and instinctively pulled his wand from his pocket. He knew this feeling; it was utterly familiar.

"Quiet!" he said over the babble of the students in his carriage. "Lumos!"

The dementors were searching the train, just as Dumbledore said they might. Harry was collapsed beside him, and a red haired girl looked close to fainting.

Remus sent his Patronus against the dementor outside, vanquishing it. As he turned, Harry was coming around.

"Who screamed?" gasped Harry, hand searching for his glasses.

"No one screamed, Harry," The bushy haired girl was beside him, looking worried.

"I heard a woman scream," Harry insisted.

Feeling sick, Remus began handing out chocolate.

"Here, eat this. It helps. I'm going up front for a word with the driver,"

As he made his way up the train, handing out chocolate occasionally and reassuring students, Remus mentally cursed his stupidity in falling asleep. Dumbledore had placed his trust in him, and he had failed miserably. This was not proving to be the start of term he hoped for.

"Yes, Headmaster. Harry had an adverse reaction to the dementors as expected. I believe…" Remus paused, glancing significantly at Severus, who was also in the room.

"I believe he heard Lily die,"

"The boy was far too young to remember anything like that," interrupted Severus, whose face had gone rigid.

"On the contrary, Severus, I believe Harry does have memories of that night. He has been complaining of strange nightmares for years. There is no doubt he has some residual memories,"

Severus' face seemed more pale than usual, and he could not bring himself to refute the Headmaster.

"Remus," Albus said turning to the other man. "I want to thank you for timely handling of this incident. Evidently, it was not easy for you,"

Remus blushed a brilliant scarlet.

"I was asleep when the dementors entered the train," he admitted.

Severus glared at him.

"All you had to do was stay awake, Lupin, and you could not even manage that," he sneered.

"I did not sleep well last night. Being back at Hogwarts is not as I expected. I make no excuses however; I should not have fallen asleep,"

Albus was staring at him intently, but Severus seemed to find any area Remus was in beneath his notice.

"I should go and review my boggart lesson before I….err…teach it," Remus said, excusing himself.

After he left, Severus rounded on Albus.

"Why is he teaching here, Albus? Do you forget we have a mass murderer on the run, most likely heading straight for Hogwarts, and you hire his old best friend? He is not to be trusted," Severus said bluntly.

"He is an expert in defensive magic, and I do not think he is a traitor. He is also an innovative and patient teacher," Albus replied serenely.

"And I am not?" Severus snarled.

"Not with inexperienced first years, I am afraid. Remus is firm yet approachable," Dumbledore answered.

With the mood he was in, Severus did not want to hear about Remus' firmness. At the mere thought he blushed red and turned away before Albus could notice it. The last thing he wanted was the fact he thought the DADA teacher was attractive broadcast over the school. Even if he did look sexy in tight jeans and shabby jumpers…MERLIN! He was not going to have these thoughts in front of Dumbledore, a skilled Legilems. With a muttered excuse, Severus fled the room, leaving Albus to chuckle over his parting sentence.

"I'm going to be checking out Remus Lupin this year, Albus, so watch out!"


	3. Chapter 3

Remus had found a boggart in the room next to the staff room that he intended to show his third years. With Dumbledore's permission, he had centered that year's entire coursework around magical creatures. None of the previous teachers had imparted any knowledge whatsoever to the class, and they were badly behind. It was his area of expertise, after all, or would have been had he been allowed to pursue it after school. There had been no point in trying to get a job anyway; who would hire someone who needed a week off every month? So he had earned money in a less acceptable way. If anyone in the wizarding world knew of his former employment he would be ostracized even further. Not even being a werewolf could bring him as low as what he had done. His reputation was forever stained, he was forever ruined. Any minute chance he ever had for a stable wizarding relationship was gone, but he had never stood much of a chance anyway.

Severus had known of the boggart in the room next to the staff room, and planned to never enter while it was there. He had no idea what his greatest fear was, and no desire to know. If he knew, then others could find out and use it against him. He of course knew when he was afraid of things, but no particular incident stood out to him, except perhaps the incident beneath the Whomping Willow…but no, that was firmly in his past and he was over it. He was terrified at the thought of telling Remus how he felt, but surely that was not it either. Whatever it was, Severus was content never knowing.

The coffee was so hot it nearly scalded his tongue, but his eyes never left the newspaper in front of him. The paper was filled with news on Sirius Black sightings, but he was reading the potions section. Dragon scale prices had reached an all time high, thoroughly annoying him. Reflexively Severus glanced up at the clock, scowling at the lateness of the hour. He still had copious notes to read through and summarize, and wished he had not taken a break to read the article. He had run out of paper anyway, and suddenly remembered seeing some in the room next door. Deciding to stretch his legs rather that use a summoning spell. Preoccupied in his musings Severus failed to notice the cupboard shaking until a large hairy animal jumped out at him!

With a shriek of pure terror, Severus turned and ran to the door, hands trembling so much he could barely open it. The beast was behind him as it gave way at last, foul breath on his shoulders. His terror grew unmanageable and he fell into darkness.

Once again Remus was finding it difficult to sleep. He was too hot, too cold, itchy, annoyed. Wearily he decided to go down to the staff room to await daylight; there was no point staying in his rooms. When he got downstairs however, a light was already on, and the staff room seemed deserted. Halfway into the next room however, a figure lay slumped on the floor, a werewolf leaning over him. As the wolf turned to him, it became a shiny orb.

"Riddikulus!" Remus cried, banishing the apparition back to the cupboard.

As he turned the figure over, he realized it was Severus.

"Severus," he said gently, before muttering "Enervate!"

Severus moaned feebly and groaned. With a start he remembered the beat and glanced wildly around, only to find Remus there instead.

"It was a boggart, Professor Snape," Remus said calmly, remembering their last encounter.

Severus' face filled with shame and color, and he roughly pushed Remus away.

"Why don't you just leave me alone, Lupin? I am perfectly capable of deducing that for myself!" he croaked. He badly wanted the other man to leave; he was shaking and had no plans of demonstrating any more weakness on his part that night. Remus however was watching him with deep sorrow.

"Did I really have such a terrifying effect all those years ago?" he asked.

The question hung in the air, unanswered. Severus was unwilling to divulge such information, and he needed to leave, now. He pulled himself of the ground and left Remus staring forlornly after.

Back in his chambers, he could finally breathe again. His heart had ceased pounding like a caged thing, and he could only ask himself why he had not realized it was a boggart in the first place. He KNEW there was one in there, and he had acted like a terrified baby. Of all the people to find him in such a state it had to be Lupin, the cause of such unwanted fear. He had seen what it had cost Remus to ask that final question.

"Did I really have such a terrifying effect all those years ago?" The man's face had been so sad. Severus knew that Remus had neither asked for the disease nor would he have exposed himself to others in that form. It had been Black, who had shown his murderous traits early apparently. Severus groaned, knowing what Remus was thinking; that it was his fault. Severus had happily told him so after it occurred and Remus had tried to apologize. But he had almost lost his life that night, and it had haunted him for so long afterwards, and obviously still did. He had the right to be angry, with Sirius, and maybe James for his part, but not Remus. Sitting there thinking about it however, did not make things right. Could he be the bigger man and apologize? He was Severus Snape after all.

At breakfast the next morning many students commented on how tired two of their professors looked. Severus did not seem his usual intimidating self as he yawned into a bowl of porridge, and Remus seemed to have a ghost of a smile playing on his lips but could not manage the real thing. He still planned to go ahead with his Boggart lesson; just because he was tired did not mean the students should miss out. He could see Harry from the dais, and the sight caused him to feel terribly depressed all of a sudden. The boy looked so happy, so carefree…so James. How could he possibly instruct Harry? How could he teach him if he could barely look at him? To avoid this as much as possible, Remus let his gaze slip around the room, to the Slytherin table. A shock of pure blond hair greeted him, and Remus realized there must be a Malfoy attending Hogwarts. He had not really paid much attention to his class lists, especially for the third years. It surprised him to know Lucius had propagated, although he had certainly been popular with both girls and boys at Hogwarts. He suddenly felt the hairs on his neck stick up, as though someone was watching him. Seeking the source he met Severus' eyes, and was momentarily startled at what he saw there. For the briefest of seconds, Remus was sure he had seen a neutral look, as opposed to complete and utter hatred. Surely he had imagined it?

Remus was teaching the third years about Boggarts after a week had passed into the term.

"Think Neville, what scares you most in the world?" he asked the round-faced boy in front of him. The other teachers had told him of Neville Longbottom, and of course he had known Frank and Alice. From what he had heard, Neville only needed a confidence boost, and to stop comparing himself to his parents. But to his surprise and consternation Neville replied that his worst fear was Professor Snape.

He laughed along with the others, although surprised at the answer. He had expected something a little more mundane.

"I believe you have a grandmother also?" Remus asked apprehensively. This was not going as planned.

"Yes, but I don't want the Boggart to turn into her either,"

More laughter, but Remus knew what he meant. Neville's grandmother was a formidable witch, and expected too much of the boy. He knew Severus would be furious if he found out what was about to happen, but it was the only way Remus could think of to make Neville lose his fear of both people involved.

"No, no. I want you to picture her clothes, just her clothes mind you. Now I want you to picture Professor Snape wearing those clothes," The class rocked with laughter once again, although the Slytherins looked a little sour.

"Remember, the charm is Riddikulus," Remus said as he opened the cupboard with his wand. What followed was sheer pandemonium and riotous laughter. Each student faced their demons and won, with most fears normal; snakes, spiders and the like. Then Harry stepped up, and Remus was sure that Voldemort would appear.

"Riddikulus!" Remus shouted, standing in front of the boy. Unfortunately the class received a glimpse of his own fear; the full moon, before the Boggart was returned safely to its cupboard. Few seemed to havew made any connection, although Hermione Granger was looking at him with unabashed curiosity.

"Thank you, class dismissed! For homework read the chapter on Boggarts please!"

He was his usual smiling self outwardly but his stomach rolled with nerves. It was funny to think that his greatest fear was a constant part of his life and that there was nothing he could do about it. Part of his nerves however, could be attributed to how Severus was going to react when he heard about Neville's boggart.


	4. Chapter 4

Judging by the smirks and silent congratulations, everyone knew by dinnertime. Severus however, did not look pleased. In fact he looked as angry as Remus had ever seen him, gulping down dinner and leaving the table long before anyone else. Dumbledore gave a sigh as he left, looking pointedly at Remus, and he knew what he would have to do. It would not be easy however, because Severus would not make it so.

He knocked politely on the portrait he knew to be Severus' chambers, but received no response. Luckily, he had also procured the password from Minerva at dinner.

"Parseltongue," Remus said clearly as the room opened to him. He was greeted by a furious voice.

"What do you want?" Severus' red face peered out at him, enraged.

"I came to apologize," Remus replied, trying to remain calm.

Shock registered on Severus' face before he allowed Remus entry, firmly closing the portrait behind him.

"Why are you really here? To laugh?" asked Severus after a while. The two could do no more than stare at each other, each at a loss for words.

"Of course not. I had not intended that boggart to make fun at you; I just needed Neville to get over his fears. Both of them, yourself, and his grandmother,"

"You announce to the school that I am a cross dresser and expect me to forgive you because you were helping a student? You just wanted to laugh at me, like everyone else," Severus' voice sounded petulant, but there was a serious note to it also. He had hated being bullied by the Gryffindors, and this felt like school all over again

"I've never laughed at you Severus," Remus replied, still trying to maintain his calm façade.

"I told you to call me Professor Snape!" growled Severus, and Remus could tell he was fighting a losing battle

"Well, I wanted to apologize anyway. It won't happen again," He looked hopefully at the other man, trying to see if his words had any effect. Severus did not reply, and Remus made his way morosely back to the portrait, but was suddenly stopped.

"You may not have laughed, but you never stopped them, not once, until they went too far," Severus voice was barely above a whisper, and his face betrayed the pain he still felt inside briefly.

"I asked James and Sirius to stop every day. But as you know, very few people made any impression on them, and it was impossible to be there every time. They were just ignorant back then," he knew it was a mistake to defend them, but he could not help it. They were his best friends, despite all that had happened.

"Ignorance is just as bad as cruelty," again, Remus had to strain to hear Severus' voice, as the man displayed his inner pain

"Yes, it is. Both hurt equally, and yet both can be forgiven, if you want it," Remus replied, trying to gauge a reaction.

"I don't want it, Sirius Black turned out to be a murderer after all. But James…you can't hold a grudge against the dead forever," Severus seemed to not realize he had spoken aloud, and instantly regretted it.

"Why do you hate Harry so much then?" Remus asked curiously.

"That is none of your business Lupin, I believe you were on your way out?" Severus was his usual charming self, and Remus wondered if their conversation had happened at all.

"By the way, Lupin, stop by here tomorrow night. I need to test you to see if you are allergic to any ingredients in the Wolfsbane Potion. This is the first time you've taken it, correct?"

"Yes. Tomorrow then. Goodnight,"

Severus grunted and pretended to be busy looking at a shelf, as Remus left with a small smile.

The next day passed uneventfully, at least for Remus. Most of the students had already decided they liked the new Defense teacher, who had an extensive knowledge of the dark arts and defense. The Slytherins of course, never liked anyone, but their opinion rarely affected the school in general. One student in particular seemed to truly hate Professor Lupin. Draco Malfoy, so used to a rich and opulent lifestyle, sneered at the shabby teacher. This did not truly bother Remus; although he tried to be kind to the boy- he could not help his origins after all. There was another Slytherin he wanted to see, although he could not help feel nervous. Severus had asked him to test out ingredients that night, and Remus was afraid he would be allergic to them and thus be unable to take the potion. If so, he would quit this job, move on. He had made it clear to Albus that he would not put anyone in danger, and he intended to keep that promise.

So it was with a slightly queasy stomach that Remus approached the dungeons that night, ensuring no one saw him leave or enter Severus' rooms.

"You're here in good time," the voice remained neutral, but the face barely contained the emotion he felt at seeing Remus.

"Yes, I thought it would be better to get this over with," Remus replied, smiling lightly. If he did not put forward this mask of serenity, his world would come crashing down. He had learnt long ago to never betray your emotions; there was always someone willing to take advantage of them. He was scared, but he would never show it.

"Well, come through to my Potions Lab then," Severus had decided it was best to treat him just as a customer coming to buy a potion. He had often sold his wares; it was surprising how few wizards could be bothered to brew a potion for themselves.

They entered the room, Remus looking around with general interest. A few cauldrons seemed to be brewing their own potions, and ingredients lined the walls, dotted occasionally with sheets in Severus' elegant handwriting.

"Wow. I never realized this room was even here last night. Are they brewing themselves?

How does that work?" Remus asked, pointing at the cauldrons. He hoped to break the

tension by asking Severus about his work.

"They're self-stirring. I just put in the ingredients and wait. Those are the most basic potions though; I could not do that with an advanced potion. Those actually require human input," Severus replied, his face briefly animated.

It was obvious that he truly loved what he did; Potion brewing was his life evidently.

"What were you going to test on me?" Remus asked a little nervously.

"Just the regular ingredients. You won't feel a thing," Severus had arched one eyebrow, as if daring Remus to refute him.

As Remus sat down, Severus handed him a glass.

"Drink it, and tell me immediately if you feel any different. I will monitor your pulse and breathing. Even if you feel the smallest change tell me," He was pure professional; he could not allow petty hatred to get in the way of his work, no matter who the victim/patient.

Remus sipped gingerly, expecting to keel over and die any second.

"Good. That was the one most people have trouble with. Now, what about this?"

This went on for a quarter of an hour, during which Remus drank and rubbed various things onto his skin.

"Last one. This one usually isn't tested, but I wanted to be sure," Severus said, handing him another glass.

Remus grinned, glad this was almost over, and took a mouthful. Instantly he knew something was wrong. The back of his throat felt constricted; he could not breath. Severus seemed to be multiplying as the dizziness struck his head and he let out a small plea for assistance. The potions master was at his side immediately, forcing his jaw open.

"Spit it out Lupin!" he cried, but Remus seemed to not hear him. He could not open his mouth, much as he wanted to. His vision was clouding over, he was floating…

'I'm dying' was his final thought as the darkness stole him.


	5. Chapter 5

"Breathe, come on, breathe," a voice seemed to be chanting this mantra over and over, familiar and yet not so. His eyes slid open; only to close again as the light blinded him.

"Lupin?" The voice seemed disbelieving.

Remus made a noise in the back of his throat, unable to talk. His tongue felt like it had taken residency of his entire mouth, and his head felt like it was on fire.

"You've reacted to one of the minor ingredients, but I've managed to get a potion into you that should clear up any complications," Severus voice seemed to be shaking slightly, but Remus did not notice.

Severus was glad the other man was not looking at him, because a strange sight would have greeted him. He had been terrified when Remus collapsed, especially when he started to turn blue and there was no way of forcing open his mouth. He had never seen such an instantaneous response; it had almost killed him. His face was pale with strain, and he knew he would never be able to tell Remus that he had almost lost the battle. The antidote he had used seemed to be working; certainly Remus was breathing better already.

"I need to check you over, to see if it had an secondary complications…I can get Madam Pomfrey, if you prefer," he said awkwardly.

Remus managed a jerk of his head, which Severus took to mean no. With a gentleness he showed few people, Severus checked him over, feeling Remus' muscles twitch under his hands.

"Please…Water," croaked Remus, speaking for the first time. Severus was only too happy to oblige.

He was sitting up, sipping the water in a few minutes, face ashen. To Severus' surprise, a tear fell from Remus' eye as he watched him.

"What…what's wrong? Are you still in pain?" he asked, trying to keep the concern out of his voice.

Remus shook his head, but he could not contain a second tear.

When he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse.

"Well, that's that then. I can't take the potion. I'll be leaving Hogwarts,"

"Leaving? Why?" Severus asked stupidly

"I will not put the students in danger. I promised I would work here only if the Wolfsbane worked," Remus replied sadly.

Severus' eyes widened. He had not known that, but he suddenly felt a deep respect for the man in front of him.

"I would not worry if I were you. I can replace that ingredient with another, and increase the aconite to balance it out, because you weren't allergic to that. It should work fine," he explained it as simply as he could, although the changes he would have to make would be complicated and cause him a lot of work.

Remus looked as if he could not believe his ears, and smiled. But it was not genuine, and even Severus could tell this time. Some inner turmoil was eating this man inside out, and yet again he was left wondering what it could be. If he was a stronger person, or knew Remus better, he could just ask.

"Thank you, Severus. I don't have the right to ask you to do this however. You forget I was reasonable at potions in my day too. I know how much extra work this will cause. It will be easier for everyone if I left. I should not have come in the first place," Remus replied. He shrugged off Severus' offer of a hand up, and made to leave the room on wobbly legs.

"Wait," called Severus, intent not to leave things as they were.

Remus turned, mask back in place. He was cool, calm, and agreeable once more.

"I don't mind. Albus would have to find a new teacher, and he has his plate full at the moment. It would be a great inconvenience if you left right now,"

It was as close as he could come to saying he did not want Remus to leave. He had seen something that made him infinitely curious, and strangely, he did not feel like gloating over it.

"If…if you're sure?" there was no hope in his voice, and Severus knew he fully expected to be turned away.

"Of course. I enjoy working out new aspects of a potion," Severus replied, allowing the gruffness to come back to his voice at last. If he said he would do something, he always did it; Remus should know that by now.

"Than…" Remus was cut off before he could finish.

"Do not thank me, I almost killed you tonight after all. On that note, I think you should stay here tonight," it almost killed him to say the words, but he knew he had to make the offer. There was still a chance that the poison was still in his system, and he could easily relapse. Remus seemed to realize this and gave a curt nod.

"I'll sleep on the lounge then," he turned and left the room, leaving a million unanswered questions behind him.

Remus did not relapse, but he was decidedly pale the next morning. Severus had spent the entire night perfecting the new variety of Wolfsbane. It had to be ready before the next full moon or his work would be utterly useless. He was certain that there would be no repeat of last night's reaction, and told Remus so. The man was listless and merely nodded and thanked him. He left early, claiming to have a class to prepare and Severus let him go with a heavy heart. He still felt incredibly guilty; he should have predicted Remus' adverse reaction, or at lest handled it better.

As soon as he had a free period, he went to Albus and explained the events of the night previous.

"I'm sure you did everything necessary, Severus. Remus however, has always been a bit weak, due to his condition. We must be certain he recovers. As for his leaving Hogwarts, I won't allow it under any condition," Albus said.

It was curious how upset Severus seemed; only once had Albus ever seen him display any emotion whatsoever in regards to another human being.

"He seems to think he is a great danger to the students. I did not realize he cared," Severus let the words out before he could stop them, and immediately regretted it.

"He refused to teach here for a long time. He only choose to this year because I could not find anyone else," Albus replied.

Severus wanted to say that he was somebody else, but decided not to. He had had this argument many times over the years, but Albus had always refused him the post. He claimed he was saving him for when he would be most needed, whatever that meant.

"I should go," Severus said, bringing their conversation to a close. He did not want to discuss the defense position anymore; some things were better left unsaid.

He spent the day combing the corridors for the wayward Remus in between classes, but he never left the defense classroom, and Severus could not bring himself to be so obvious. He overheard students discussing how ill Professor Lupin seemed, and finally decided he would confront him after classes finished.

"Lupin?" he said cautiously, entering the room. It was in darkness, the students having long since left. Quickly he lit the lamps after seeing a slumped figure at the front desk.

"Severus? Is that you?" came the welcome reply.

He was resting his head on the desk, but he seemed all right.

"I just…" all of his perfectly reasonable excuses seemed to have flown from his brain.

"You didn't have to check on me," Remus' voice was weary, so much so that he sounded like an old man.

"I wasn't," Severus replied, trying to maintain his stony front.

Remus smiled feebly.

"I know you better than you might think Severus," Remus said lightly, sitting up.

"What do you mean by that?" Severus growled, bewildered.

"Nothing. At least nothing I can tell you, anyway. You think the whole world is out to get you, and they aren't. The world really IS out to get me, and I think they are winning," this curious statement was followed by silence, as Severus pondered what Remus was trying to say.

"Are you giving up Lupin? Tired of living your pitiful existence?" the words came out harsher than intended but Remus seemed not to notice.

"Something like that. It seems easier now, doesn't it?" he was still smiling, and Severus felt the sudden urge to slap him, anything to take that skull like grin from his face.

"Easier? What have you got in your life that everyone else doesn't? You're a werewolf, sure but you sound like you're about to jump of a cliff to drown your sorrows. You have no idea how tough life can be, Lupin," Severus had seen more death, rape, pain in a single month of his life under the Darklord than this wolf had seen for his entire existence. How dare he sit there and claim death was easier than life, like some suicidal depressed teenager, certain that life would never improve.

"Because you know me so well," Remus replied, and Severus was satisfied at seeing a flash of anger cross his face.

"Nobody knows you, Lupin. You always put on a happy face and pretend the world is just peachy. Now I see what you're truly like, you disgust me more than ever,"

Remus cringed as if he had taken a blow, and figuratively he had.

"If I disgust you so much, why don't you just leave? In fact, yes, get out of my room! That's right, MY room, since I'm the defense teacher, and not you. Doesn't it feel great to be beaten by a werewolf and a-" he cut himself short, face suddenly ugly in anger.

Severus had turned deathly pale and he swept from the room without a word. Remus sunk back down with a groan. His head still felt like it was on fire, but that was no excuse for his unexpected anger. Severus had merely pointed out all the things Remus had told himself, and he was right. If James and Sirius had been there, they would have said many of the same things. He had just driven away the one person who had bothered to see how he was feeling.

On his way back to his rooms, Severus set more detentions and took more points than he had in a long while.

"He's in a foul mood," George Weasley said to his brother, as they both complained that points should not be taken for walking too slow and breathing loudly.

As the portrait clicked into place, he let his rage out fully, smashing a few dozen jars in his anger. Damn Lupin! He had struck him where he was most vulnerable, and he knew it! He was started out of his rage by a timid knock.

"WHAT?" he bellowed, flinging open the artwork and stopping short.

Remus had followed him and wordlessly swept into the room closing the portrait behind him.

"I'm sorry," he said before Severus could say anything. "You're right,"

Completely at a loss for words, Severus kept opening his mouth before he thought better of it.

"You're sorry?" he finally repeated weakly.

"Yes," Remus said simply. "Do you forgive me or will I have to beg?"

Severus shook his head quickly, scared where this conversation was going.

"I was in pain, and I did not want to hear what you were saying. If James were alive he would have told me the same things and Sirius…" There was a flicker of pain and he abruptly turned away.

Deciding it was best to ignore the reference of his much-hated nemesis, Severus instead focused on what Remus had first said.

"In pain? Where?" he asked indifferently.

"Headache. Haven't been able to throw it since last night," Remus answered.

"I have a potion for that," Severus said, finding and handing a vial over.

"Thank you," Remus said with a grateful smile as he took it. They stared awkwardly at each other, and Severus found himself looking away first. Why oh why had he looked into those beautiful gray eyes again? He closed his eyes, determined to let nothing of how he felt show. A hand slipped into his and he almost recoiled from the touch.

"Friends?" Remus said with a smile.

"Friends," Severus repeated, lips stumbling over the unfamiliarity of the word. He pulled his hand away.

"You should go," he whispered, no longer in control of the situation.

All of a sudden he was terrified, and he had no idea why.

"Yes. Thanks again," Remus said.

After he had gone, Severus began slowly cleaning up the broken glass. He made himself a whiskey and sat down, trying to sort through his confused feelings. He was attracted to Remus, of that he had no doubt. He hated him because of a youthful grudge and was scared because he had seen him in his true form. He wanted to be close to him, and the thought scared him so much he wanted to run away. Severus had never felt anything like this before, and it was overwhelming, utterly so. If he ever said anything however, he was sure he would be rejected. It was all so complicated, so dependent on so many things. He should not, would not let himself feel like this, but he was already lost in myriad of emotions. How could he ever sort this out?

Remus too was confused. Severus had almost been…no that could not be true. There was no way Severus was actually attracted to him, was there? But Remus had been good at his job, and he always knew when someone truly wanted him. If he did, what could he do about it? No wizard would touch him after he had prostituted himself, especially to muggles. But then, no wizard knew about it, not even Dumbledore. At least he hoped Dumbledore did not know. The man had an uncanny knack at knowing the worst moments of a person's life and being able to manipulate them in some way. Surely if he knew Remus would not have been offered a teaching position? All he knew was that he had to find out how Severus felt, before they both got into a position they were certain to regret.

Over the next week or so, the two seemed to avoid each other's company as much as possible. Remus had decided he had not imagined the attraction, and knew Severus would be mortified if he knew Remus' secret. Severus felt he had said and done more than he should have that night, and was too embarrassed to seek Remus' companionship. It was so awkward when they met, and both blamed themselves. Remus threw himself into teaching, and was delighted to have keen and interested students in each class. He could finally look directly at Harry; when you got to know the boy, there was a completely different personality to discover from his father's. He was intelligent, kind and fair-minded, and while James had been the first, he was quick to judge and quicker to anger. James had been overly confident, inspiring a legion of female fans. Harry was quiet and thought things through before acting. Remus had even been to see the Gryffindor quidditch team practice, and discovered that Harry was a better flier than even James had been. It was a few days after this that he had his first chance to talk to Harry alone.


End file.
